| ayo for yayo. |
[10 Nov 2009|10:42am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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locked in your heart by deluded. |
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really, i am dying to get high. DYING. i need to. honestly. i just really think its suicide or getting high. i cant take it. im so depressed and no one really seems to care. im starving for attention. i just want to shoot up. but even if i cant ill just settling for some damn pills. i dont know what to do. its so awful, this pain. ive never had any kind of self control. so right now, its digging into me. telling me to give in. and god damn, i want to. i cant hardly think of a time when ive wanted something more. and i keep telling myself to stop thinking about it. but its not working. not at all. just all day, and all night. its all i think about. i think about how it could improve my daily activities. like how much easier sleeping would be or how work would be more enjoyable. im so pathetic. i just want to fall asleep and never wake up. i hate seeing axhole ever day at work. i want to just punch him. the other day i did something im really mad about. i didnt want to. i promised myself that after the last time it wouldnt happen again, and it did. and im so mad about it. like furious. seeing him makes me want to slam my fist into his jaw. and chris never texts me anymore. its like now that i want to talk to him, he doesnt want to talk to me. and brandon doesnt text me either. its like everyone forgot i exist. and i just want someone to talk to. this is so hard by myself. i dont even want to stop. so its making the argument in my head really one sided. im just hearing, 'do it. do it.' there isnt anyone saying,' dont.' and i just want sex. and everyone that wants to have sex with me, i dont want to. or i cant get there. or is in love with me and after more sex will make it awful and uncomfortable. my head is going through a rollercoaster. if thats even possible. can you go through one? fuck it, i prolly misspelled everything anyways. its like im constantly doubting myself. and i honestly just dont know what to do. why do i want something so badly, and then, even when i say yes, i dont do it? why? i really cant figure out anything. no one even cares anymore. so why should i? i should be sleeping. im exhausted. why am i on livejournal? does it have a sleep app? noo. so go to sleep.o, right. you cant. cause you cant sleep, and you cant breathe, and you just want to get high to forget about all the stupid shit. life was so much easier when i as high. i didnt have to think about anything. i just did it. now, i just think and think and think. and i want to throttle myself. which i think is impossible. could be wrong. i usually am about everything else. i just need a nap, and some food. and a damn vacation. maybe if i just take some codeine, ill be able to get rid of this annoying pain and i can fall asleep. yeah maybe. stupid.
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| lets start a chain reaction. |
[20 May 2009|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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music |
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sublime - garden grove |
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i just read all my entries. im a tool. ha. im such a child. well i guess its been a while. four years i guess. but still. im glad the last three entries were all about george. atleast i dont have to worry. i still love him. duh. and it sucks that i said i wasnt going to do drugs. im so messed up. im too much of an emotional idiot. i just bitch all the time. and im illiterate. cause if you try and read that and miss all the spelling mistakes, then you are too. ha. im so dumb. lets see, i still have the same best friend. same one. um, i dont talk to brandon anymore cause hes possesive. very much so. i dont talk to any of my exes actually. weird. never thought about it. hmm. but no. dustins still a loser. he only wants to talk to me cause he thinks were going to sex it or something. funny how the tables have turned. he only wants to talk to me for sex, and i did the same (gross) thing to him when we were dating. ha. karma. uh. i dont know. i still go on gaia. i dont really have any friends on it anymore. i was homeless for a year and half til i got forced to move here. hm. i graduated. i did lots of drugs. i stopped working at that old job and worked at walmart. and i did a lot of drugs while at work. got a new car, it got repossesed. i bought a new to me car, a standard, didnt quite learn how to drive it. i am addicted to opiates. morphine, ocs, heroin are my top picks. i didnt smoke much pot towards the end. not really. since i moved to texas ive smoked a couple times. im talking to dave. excited.
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| blood money. |
[20 May 2009|06:32pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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unwritten law - evolution |
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so, the thought arrives: why hasnt anyone sat back and thought why it is that i might have a drug problem? theyve all accepted it. but no ones thought about it. well, if they have, it doesnt look to be that way. it bothers me. they say they care, but to what extent? i understand that its a difficult subject for anyone, but it just strikes me as odd. ive been dealing with people who use drugs all the time. ive helped people cope and such. ive understood to the best of my ability what it is that they believed was their reasoning for doing it. and it all makes sense giving the situation. but what about me? no ones tried to understand it. no ones asked me. they asked me how it happened, but not the why. its bothering me. and i dont need another thing to bother me. im already fucked up. and btw, i dont think i want to be with chrisssss. hes very possesive and its adorable the way he cares about me and how he feels makes me feel amazing. but im in love. with not him. and he knows that. and hes known this for months. ever since the beginning hes known. ive been telling him. but he still persues. and i know i should someone how let him know. but i cant let someone down gently if they disregard what i say. cause ive been trying. a couple days before the incident, i was all messed up and sitting in the cooler trying to tell him that i couldnt do it anymore. trying to tell him that i didnt want to hurt him and that i wasnt sure what i was going to be doing or where i was going in life and he said he understood. and we didnt talk for days. and then i told him i was being shipped off to this godforsaken shithole they call texas, and he keeps telling me that when i want to come home hell help me. and then hes talking like were going to move in and shit. no. listen to what ive said! you want to know how i feel and ive told you, very plainly, that im unsure and continuing in the manner hes going is going to lead to heartbreak. ive said these things. and i feel like no one ever listens to me. i just talk and talk to no avail. i mean what im saying. all. the. time. in some manner or another. sometimes i get mad and i say things i later dont mean, but for an instance i mean it. obviously. otherwise i wouldnt have said it and i wouldnt have thought it. im a pretty honest person. i dont lie. not even to the fucking cops. and ive done many a thing in which i should have lied about. but whats the point? but either way, i mean it. and i dont know why he wont listen. im trying not to hurt the frigging guy and hes just delirious. or delusional. some kind of 'de' word. ugh. and furthermore, im still in love with axhole. which is just stupid. cause i was trying to get over him and then suddenly he starts trying to make us more friendly, and then we argued and it was all done. like fuck. i cant get him out of my head. i keep hoping hes going to send me a message or a text or something. and i want him to soooo bad. even though hillsman told me he was hitting on her and all kinds of gross shit, i still want him to want me. hes got a gross ass girlfriend and hes going to have a baby with said gross ass, and i should be happy that hes happy. thats what love is. but i never wanted us to part on such bad ways. and i know hes too proud to say anything to me. i know. and why would he? hes got that whore. and secretly i hope she cheats on him and he realizes i was the best thing that happened to him. and i honestly think we would have been so happy. and dont get me wrong, i will love george til the day i die, but i would have left him for that asshole. i would have. but its so strange, that week and a half doing dope was prolly the best week me and george have had in a year. our relationship was getting strong and i dont know why. maybe it was that we were finally honest and open. there was nothing to hide. maybe thats what it was, but it doesnt matter. it made me realize how important he was. im miles and states away and i just want him. i miss him so much. maybe i was the asshole to contact me so i can finally have some damn closure. i want to tell him that i love george and he should have realize what we could have been before i took my heart away. maybe i just want to end it. i mean, i should have had my chance to end it. i wanted to. but i dont know. it doesnt matter. all that matters is that i love george and everyone else doesnt matter. it doesnt matter who ive been with or who wants to be with me. i want one person. and hopefully he wants only me. not drugs, nothing but me. thats what i hope for. i hope that when i go back to massachusetts to be with him, hes ready. cause ill be ready for him. i dont even know anymore. im miserable and i want to sink back into the oblivion of drug use. i want to. i know im awful. i should just stop thinking about it. its not okay. but i cant help it. ive never been good with this. i want it so badly. i hurt physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally... every kind of 'ally' you can think of... well within reason. im sure theres someone that can think of something that doesnt make sense. o theres more: im mad that no ones tried to talk to me. ive told the people i care about that im here, and they havent tried to contact me. why? cause no one cares? what about sweens or kara? childhood friends, like sisters, nothing. nothing to suggest it makes to them. when did i become so incidental? when did i become so easy to forget? i dont even care. no one else does. god, im pathetic. 'i had a bad day today, dont talk to me, gonna ride this out. my little black heart breaks apart, with your big mouth. and im sick of my sickness, dont touch me, youll get this. im useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me." pretty much the best song to describe my current situation. i dont know. ill figure something out. i hope. and hopefully i can fix my life and be happy. thats all i want. to be happy. is that really such a hard thing to achieve?
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| tell all my friends that i'm dead. |
[02 Jul 2007|03:59am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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marilyn manson - are you the rabbit? |
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so i just finished having the most amazing sex ive had in a while. well. you know. it was just weird because i havent had unprotected sex in so long. it was just crazy. it felt so good. the entire time i wasnt worried. i was a lil in the beginning, but how could i not be? he pounded the shit out of me. im going to be sore in the morning. but im fine with it. i cant wait til he gets home from work. itll be session two.
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[10 Jun 2007|11:59pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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rammstein-vampire |
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i, believe it or not, have finally remembered i had one of these. im writing down my information for this extremely attractive boy in school. and i broke up with my boyfriend. the one i talked about as if he were a god. yeah, a cheating, lying god. i hate him now. i truly do. me and brittany are still tight. shes so cool. "fuck you. fuck you. fuck you too" hehehe. marilyn manson. but i did have sex with him. im no longer innocent. uh, i actually only stayed with him in the end because of sex. i know. shitty person. havent heard that one before. (my feet smell.) and my old ex boyfriend is still sexy as a mother fucker. he came over the house the other day and i swear, if i didnt love my current boyfriend so much, i would have jumped his bones. right then. im serious. i was alone with him for a good hour and a half. and the entire time i was thinking "dont jump, dont jump!" FUCKING GORGEOUS. ugh. and the poser friend:: even worse. its like she cant go up the dignity pole with me. granted, i dont talk to her as much, but never the less. she thinks shes an amine geek. fancies herself a "j-rock fangirl". fucking weak. but dgaf. i dont care. im still proud to be what i am. and o yeah. im a real big fucking stoner now. its all i do. wake up, smoke a bowl, go to school, smoke a bowl, go to work, smoke a bowl, go home, smoke a bowl. rinse and repeat. ive done almost every drug now. and ive found that morphine makes me sick if im not careful about it. you know whats scary? ive overdosed. for serious. i was sick for three days one time. and as if i would learn, noooooo. did it again and again for like a month. called out quite a bit from work. because on friday, id get paid, spend all my money on drugs, take them all, wake up and puke everywhere. and the smell of food made everything worse. reason why i couldnt go to work. but ne hoot, its fucking 1 in the morning. last day of school tomorrow. well, today. im not going if brittany isnt. doesnt make sense. s57beaav. that was my password. fucking generated passwords. thanks but no fucking thanks. i seriously should go to sleep. i wanted to come on and talk about my dream. i had three of them. but the first one was with the attractive boy im giving my information to. the end of it (the only part i really rememeber) was so cool. fucking i kissed him. like full out. then i went downstairs and i started changing into my work clothes. i took my belt out of the loops all sexy like and waited for him to come down the stairs. i hear him coming so i unbutton them and sexily pulled them down and bent over. he comes over and helps me out of my shirt. so we start kissing and touching and stuff. then i bang the shit out of him. fucking amazing. then i had two other dreams, all of them involving sex, and with different men. O.O yeah. i know. think i had sex on my mind. but the thing is, i had amazing sex with my beau before i went to sleep. like super amazing. ive got marks and bruises. (i like it rough >.<) ugh. sex. love it. maybe some more when i wake up? i hope. im so glad i found him. he does so many good things, and when im with him, i feel so happy. i like happy. but besides that. everything is fucking stupid. fuck silly. STUPID. very. im pissed at everything. im sick of it. complete disregard for me. but youd think i would be used to it. meh. guess not. now i have to try and figure out how to add brittany's new one with out it being added where everyone can see. o privacy.
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| my conversation with my love |
[27 Jan 2006|02:23pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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nine inch nails - the hand that feeds |
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me: hey!
brandon: hey
brandon: yay
me: hehehe
me: how are you?
brandon: very bored and doing good now that im talking to u
brandon: u?
me: well im doing pretty alright at the moment
me: i miss you
brandon: i miss u to hun
brandon: u should call me tofay
brandon: day
me: ill try
brandon: not right now b/c im in the library
me: ill call you a lil later
brandon: yay
brandon: im off today for the 3rd day
me: oo cool
me: whay areyou off work?
brandon: nothing for me to do
me: oo i see
brandon: u sock or something?
me: well that makes sense
me: oo no
me: half day at the school
brandon: u in school?
brandon: thats cool
me: yea im liking it
brandon: did u see what comment i left my dude drew on his myspace?
me: naw
me: i havent had a chance to get on yet
brandon: ahhhhh
brandon: o and yea i failed my get test
brandon: whats morgen doing?
me: oo! how bad di you fail it?
me: and morgans at school
brandon: lolz
me: we go to different ones
brandon: i member hun lolz
brandon: i failed 2 parts
brandon: and passed 3
me: oo
me: hehehe
me: thats not cool
brandon: yea i knoiw
brandon: im trying to get pics with my glasses
me: you passed three tho, thats good
brandon: yeapers
me: ooo i want to see it
brandon: im tring hehe
me: i need a new picture for my myspace... the old one looks bad and its old
me: but i cant take good pictures at all now
brandon: no u look great hun
brandon: my hair is getting longer
brandon: and i have a new type of beard for me
brandon: and it looks good lolz
me: oo i bet it does
me: well you need to get some pictures i need to see it
brandon: i know hehe
brandon: this is what drew said to me in my comments
brandon: Thanks Dude
I love that
OH YEAH OHYEAH
OH no your gonna clean up this mess and fix the whole in the wall.............................
me: oo theres a whole in the wall?
brandon: i sent him a clip from family guy with the koolaid guy busting thou a wall
brandon: lolz
me: hehehe!
me: oo i love that
me: reminds me of dane cook
brandon: have u seen that?
brandon: lolz
me: yea!
me: i love family guy
brandon: same here
me: yea who doesnt
brandon: am i able to call u today?
brandon: idk lolz
me: umm... yea i think so
me: it depends on the time
brandon: yay
me: :-D
brandon: like around 1 or 130
me: ok that works
brandon: yay
me: then i can get rid of the evidence... im such a bad kid
brandon: i miss hearing ur voice
me: yea i miss your voice too
brandon: what evidence?
me: i have caller id
brandon: ahhhhhh
me: so then it would say you called, and someone would get upset and tell my brother
brandon: so ur parents dont want me calling u or something like that?
me: its mostly just my brother
brandon: well i could do *67
me: my dad doesnt live with me anymore
me: oo yea thats true, but i wouldnt answer it
me: too many telemarketers
me: hehehe
brandon: hehe
me: yea they call ALL the time
me: even at like 7 in the morning on saturday!
me: its ridiculous
brandon: i have a # foe the natinal do not call list
me: oo lucky
brandon: 1-888-382-1222
me: ok
brandon: just follow what tey say and it wont take more that 2 min
brandon: and it will last for 5 years
me: oo awesome
brandon: and if they call u well u can file and possible sue the fuckers
me: oo even cooler
me: i hate them... so annoying
me: and they keep calling back
brandon: lmfao
brandon: lolz
brandon: lolz
brandon: lolz
me: hehehe
me: i just swear at them til they hang up
me: it works nicely
brandon: im laughting at this clip lolz
brandon: same here
brandon: and u should do that on ur cell if its on
brandon: b/c they have cell #'s now
me: oo well thats a good idea then
brandon: thats how i fgot the #
me: oo i see
me: im moving soon
brandon: where?
me: on the other side of town
brandon: awwwwww
me: so i can still go to the same school
brandon: i came throu mass again
me: and live with my dad again
me: you did?
brandon: yea
brandonxx420: but i was nt driving
me: and you didnt stop! you should have
brandon: i with my church
me: oo
me: soon im going to be able to drive and ill go visit you
brandon: im going to put a new comment for u lolz
me: yay!
brandon: really?
me: yep...
brandon: when?
me: uh. in like
me: may!
me: thats it. may
me: may 17th
brandon: yay
me: yea im excited
me: and i have a car too
me: it just needs some work
brandon: yay
brandon: i get to see u soon
me: yea its really exciting
brandon: u should check ur myspace
brandon: hehe
brandon: but we have to stay away from the house
brandon: my house
me: yea
me: im working my to myspace at the moment
brandon: so whats going to go on when ur here
me: i dunno
me: whatever happens happens you know
brandon: well i could think alot u know
brandon: lolz
me: hehehe yea
brandon: lolz
brandon: god i have missed u
me: yea i think about you alot
brandon: same here
brandon: like what if i may ask
me: i just wonder what yuor doing and how everything is
me: you know
me: sometimes i wonder if you think about me too
me: stupid girl thoughts im afraid to say...
brandon: i think about u more that u think
me: well thats good to know
brandon: last night to be tru i had a dream about u
me: oo was it a good one?
brandon: yes hun
me: oo yay
brandon: but when i woke up i had to relize something
me: what?
brandon: that i made u feel like crap and that ur happy with ur love of ur live
brandon: life
me: oo no
me: thats not true
me: i was really happy with our relationship
brandon: how so?
me: i just was
me: i love talking to you
me: you made me feel like i was actually worth something to someone
brandon: i still love u to this day
me: its good to know
brandon: but i can tell ur happy ur who u r with
me: i am for the most part
brandom: is that good (b/c u said for the most part
me: maybe
me: im not sure
brandon: ok fair enough
me: yea its complicated
brandon: do u think if i mean if anything happens i could get a 2nd chance?
me: yes thats likely
brandon: really?
me: yea of course
me: you do still mean alot to me you know
brandon: i thought u hated me at one point in time
me: no no, just very upset
brandon: hun u mean so much to me that theres not one day that ur name does not come into my mind
me: well that means alot to me
brandon: hugs and kisses
me: hehehe right back at you
brandon: hehe
brandon: i still love u
me: good
me: i have some sort of feeling for you
me: im not sure if i can dignify it as love but its pretty damn close
brandon: :-)
me: :-D
me: im glad im able to talk to you right now
brandon: same here
brandon: u feeling warm inside like me?
me: yea
me: :-D
me: im certainly smiling a little bit more right now
brandon: same here
me: yay for happiness
brandon: lolz
brandon: is ur # still the same
me: my house?
brandon: yea
me: uh... yep
me: 508 248 4742
brandon: ok
brandon: lol
me: yep yep
me: ive been home for two hours already... thats so weird
brandon: i have had 3 days off
brandon: and 2 more to go
me: ooo fun
brandon: not really?
me: next weekend is going to be really busy for me
brandon: same here
brandon: whats u doing?
me: moving
brandon: awwwwwwww
me: i have to get all my shit and bring it to the new house and all that
me: and i get to paint my room
brandon: thats sucks
me: its gonna be a lil fun and a lot of wokr
me: work*
me: so that should be interesting
brandon: yea
me: the new house has these lil closets
brandon: nice
brandon: ur own room
me: yea, but theyre so creepy!
me: yea
brandon: awwwwww
me: morgans choosing to go down stairs because the house has small rooms
me: yea its goingt o be awkward
me: awwwwww
me: i havent had my own room since i was like 7
brandon: and i have envolpes
brandon: awwwwww
me: oo you should send me an envelope!
brandon: hehe did u find the pix
me: i found a couple
me: and im sure ill find some more when i clean everything so i can move
brandon: ok i will send them 2morrow
brandon: 2 the address that i have
me: ok
me: yay!
brandon: hehe
brandon: tooo much time hun
me: hehehe yea
me: i made a rap up for her
me: hehehe
me: its real cool
me: i put it in her blog
brandon: lolz
me: yea thats what i do in my spare time
brandon: lolz
me: yep yep
brandon: well im about to get off and i will call u when i get in my truck
me: ok cant wait
brandon: ok talk to u in a min
brandon: bye byez sweetheart
me: ok bye for now
brandon signed off at 1:19:37 PM.
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[08 Jan 2006|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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i love this cat! |
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music |
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twiztid - freek show (leave me alone) |
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i wonder when i will ever be free. i feel as if all of the freedoms i had known, are meaningless now. i feel like the demons will always plague me. and even now, as i sit in my people emptied house, i know im not alone. and yet, i cant bring myself to not turn off all the lights. i for some reason, beyond my control, would rather sit in the dark with the ghosts and demons, then bring myself to be comforted by artificial light. ive never really liked the idea of fake lighting, maybe its all my years in public schooling, sitting in the fake light. or maybe its just because candle light is much more beautiful. shimmering and dancing in the non-existant wind. which brings me back to my other point, the demons, when i try and lay my head at night, never let me rest. im fraught with ideas of death and danger from the uneasy nights. their very presence wakes me with their every breath. calling my name and making it seem that they arent there. it makes me wonder if im crazy, knowing no one else sees them, or hears them, and only i really can feel their presence. its enough to drive me mad, let alone anyone else. as i dont normally care what people think of me, i cant help it here. i know they are worried, but how am i to ease their pain, their worries. i wouldnt know where to begin. i dont know where to begin. i suppose this is where ill begin, with this very notion. i look around at my living place and wonder if this is all my life has in store for me. is this how ill spend my life? curled up into a ball away from the dangers of the world, afraid of my own bed at night?
^^ so yep. thats an exerpt from brittanys newest story. creepy isnt it? yea. i was helping here with it, so she decided to let me read what she had written. i cant wait! she's going to be famous one day, i know it. and she already had a pen name, shes too good. but i think she needs to worry about her grammar. she doesnt use capital latters or puntuation. well she uses too many commas but like apostrophies or whatever. yea, like she needs my advice, i cant even spell. but you know. shes pretty damn talented. i love it! i hope she goes far with this, she really enjoys it. so yea, im going to go.
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[13 Dec 2005|07:21pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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nothing |
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yea. life is weird. a year ago this date, i wrote about how my parents are talking about splittiing up, and well, they are. but o well. i guess being with mi faja will be good again. i miss him bunches. and im hungry. why cant i eat? i think im going to.. fuck waiting for no one to make dinner... ill find something. i doubt that. so im not sure why i said it, because i dont think there is anything else to eat besides the un-made dinner. wonderful, i love when that happens. i miss my best friend. i wish i could see her more. and my other best friend i saw today, that was cool. i sat with him today. hes real cool. i miss him. hes getting married and stuff. so im glad i get to see him now, i might not be able to soon. he wants me to come over his house sometime. maybe we'll go to the movies. he always bring up my old love and it still hurts. im kinda pissed at myself that i still love him after like 4 years. in febuary. but o well. im sure ill make it. but yea. i figured i could just come here and vent something. but surprisingly, i have nothing. yay for peace.
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| ahh, i love random |
[09 Dec 2005|12:57pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
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music |
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corporate avenger (reminds me of brittany, crazy bitch) |
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so, what the fuck?! hehehe, violent j moment. im like real tired and real happy, and uber excited. yes, uber. mother fucker dont act like you dont know. but anyway. i have a super awesome boyfriend, who is super hot. and i love him to death. and then my ex boyfriend, the other day, was talking to me and he told me that he dumbed his bitch ass girlfriend. and i have to say, im mighty disappointed that he hadnt done it before i found my current lover. i would have done anything and everything for a chance with him, but alas. its not going to happen. and i wish i could just kiss him again, just a lil bit. maybe some tongue you know. but that would be bad, cant do that. i will (hopefully) never cheat on any of my boyfriends. and if i do get married to my love i have right now (everyone believe we will, 16 and already sure im going to get married) then i wont have to worry about cheating on anyone else. im just worried. i really want to see my pretty ex again, cuz we're still friends, but im quite sure, i still have no self control. and then that would suck! i mean i cheated on my ex and he still doesnt know, but i cant imagine not telling my lover if i cheated on him like now. i could hide it just as easily, but no! i cant try and justify this to myself. ive been doing it all week! i CAN NOT tell myself that theres nothing wrong with just kissing him. theres everything wrong with it! im prolly not going to stop with a kiss if we get there. im a dirty bastard! im a god foresaken bitch, and ass hole of the highest kind. and im quite disgusted with myself. i mean, its all these damn hormones. i want my boyfriend like crazy (!!) and we've been alone a couple times. hell, we tried to, but it didnt work. and now im afraid i wont be able to be alone with him anymore. the longer we go out, the shorter our alone time will be. and i dont want that! i NEED him, like crazy. and i have this sick feeling, that if im alone with my pretty ex, no one will suspect anything, hes an ex after all. and if i had my way, id do it with him. and it would be great and everything, but how would i explain that to my boyfriend. i cant go from being a virgin, to not being one with out cheating on him. so... this sucks! and i shouldnt even be contemplating this. this should not be a topic of discussion. thankfully i dont have any other friends on here besides brittany, and shes not going to say anything about it. she knows what im talking about, its kinda similiar for her. and i want to smoke weed! i cant do that anymore. i just want a lil bit... just to be high for a titty bit. then ill be fine. yea, ok. ill admit it, i was addicted to smoking weed, was being the key word. i am not anymore. i just miss it. i used to smoke everyday and alot and then i gave it up for someone. and now i still cant pick it up again. and i want to so bad! and someone mentioned something about a gateway drug, and im not stupid! im not going to go and do like cocaine. i already tried that, it wasnt anything good. and i dont like needles, and acid was really strange, i didnt like it too much. the only drug i tried that i ever liked was weed. and i vote i smoke some. wow, this entry sucks. i hate decisions. theyre dumb. fuck 'em! i dont need this. im happy as fuck and its snowing. so fuck you muther fuckers. im out!
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[26 Mar 2005|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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ummm... none they wont let me turn on any |
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hello. im not really happy. but i cant complain. im tired. i need sleep. i recently found out more reasons for why one of my best frineds is a poser. im so upset tho. like she was so unbelievably against anarchy and now she talks about it like shes been for it since she was born. and its all because she went to a different school. she thinks shes punk now and shes not even down for the clown anymore. im so upset. i feel like crying. she acts like shes a stoner and i have never seen this girl smoke in my life. i dont think she has it in her. but im upset. i know i keep saying it but i mean it. i have posers and knowing im close friends with one makes me wonder if i am. i dont know how i could be tho. i dont lie about anything. im not a stoner, i just smoke alot of weed. im down for the clown/krown and i support it. i wont ever deny it. so its not possible that i am. i dont do anything that the majority does because i want people to like me. if anything i enjoy my anti-socialism because girls are fucking sluts! but thats besides the point. im just pissed off and deeply hurt that the bitch is a poser. and that means she lying to me of all people. but its fucking gay. i hate people. but moving on, im on gaia and im having a good time answering like 35 questions trying to get gold... its fun. but i have to go because im tired and i cant concentrate because of the anger. ok bye now
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[21 Mar 2005|08:23pm] |
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umm... yea im sick and im pissed off. but im talking to my friend russ and i guess thatll make things better. hes always making me feel good. and hes hott so its a plus. hehehe im really pissed off at everyone in this house. they should all just grow up and quit their bitching... thats what they need to do. i need sleep... lots and lots of sleep. i guess ill start that now.. bye
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[11 Mar 2005|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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a tlelevision |
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i dont know whats been up with me... i feel so weird. my bi-polarness is like outta control. im like freaking out on everyone and everything. i cant take much more of this. its really annoying. i really wish i could go to sleep but of course the insomnia wont allow that. and plus not being tired would make me happy, no? well what can you do? i really need some weed. like badly...
"Sometimes I wanna get high travel up away to the beautiful skies
Float away and hope to never come down hope to see the day that I never come down
But what goes up is always bound to fall
I’ll I’m trying to say is that I live my life raw
I’m gonna smoke week the rest of my life and give all I got till the day that I die."
my theme song for the recent times. its so true tho. i really need to just float away from everything and maybe come back when everythings not fucked up. i really hate this. not life in general just the one ive been given. what kind of God gives a child a life full of pain and suffering? i dont know, not a very nice one. i wonder what i did in a past life to piss off God?... o well the world will never know so i guess neither will i. i realize that i sound very emo but im not at all... im just like my friend brittany(!), im so unbelievably anti-emo you dont even know. i hate emo and everything involved with it... kinda like math. hehe always a positive way to look at things. but i need some weed and i need some now. maybe just a couple of marlbros... i dont know i need some sort of smoke to fill my lungs and kill me. not that i want to die, just need the feeling, you know. i get the "you know" every two seconds from brittany(!). she always has a ! at the end of her name so i thought i should add one when i say it... but i think im gonna go on gaia now. ok
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[01 Jan 2005|11:52pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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the television |
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umm i had a good new years. its was kinda boring but it was fun for the most part. my frined came over and she played viseo games all night but it was cool. my step-mom said i was drunk but i dont remember that. ive been thinking about my only true love, like a lot. hes been on my mind for like two weeks at least and its so random i really dont know what to do. i keep having this reaccuring memory and i feel like crying for like an hour after. but not because its sad but becuase i was happy then. it was like two years ago in like october and ive loved him ever since. i wish i could just forget him but i dont know why i cant. like he moved to around boston maybe a year and a half ago, and i didnt really see him much after that, except during the summer that year and ive seen him at like the beginning of the year and when i hugged him i felt like dying because i finally realized, you know, hes still alive. and like its been months since ive seen him last and hes all i can think about. i think i need a hobby or two. i want to watch a scary movie. maybe ill convince the parentals to buy one but i cant say theyll let me. its almost midnight. fun fun. omg the moon has been really pretty and really bright recently and im so excited because i love the moon. even though im like deathly afraid of the woods by my house, i just go out there at like 2 in the morning and just sit on the porch. i try not to listen to the noises around me because thatll only futher confirm my worries, so i try and think about only the moon and sing like that icp song - under the moon - im pretty sure thats the name, but ill just sit there and stare at the moon and sing and i love it. im going to go do my vampire-like things and enjoy the night.... ok bye now
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[13 Dec 2004|07:57pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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a really gay tv show (arent they all nowadays)? |
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wow... so im just sitting there trying to enjoy my "dinner" when i ask a simple question and BOOM! the parents go into this big fight talking about how they want to split up. my dads just like telling my stepmom shes a loser and saying shes blind to her own kids meaness and all this shit and im excpected to just sit there and take it. im like on the verge of just yelling at people and breaking shit. why cant i just be happy? i cant seem to have a happy day lately. i wish i could just leave. i need some weed, where are my drugs when i need them? this is to much. i need to leave of something. damn that billy alwats trying to make me feel bad. ill slit her wrists for her... bye
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[11 Dec 2004|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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the news |
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guess what, i hate him and he is so stupid. hes going out with some girl. and hes being stupid. hes like i hope this doesnt make our friendship different. i just wanted to yell FUCK YOU!!! but i didnt. but i must leave ok bye now
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| fuck fuck you |
[01 Dec 2004|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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sam bitching about bowling |
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its official, i hate him. he has hurt me so bad and i thought maybe i just wasnt giving him enough trust, well fuck that! no... hes an ass. i feel so bad now. supposedly he broke up mattys and kaylas relationship. now, how did he do that, you might ask. well heres what im told, he told kayla to break up with matty because he loved her and wanted to be with her. now, i dont think thats nice, especially to me. i cant believe hed do that. i hate him. he hasnt called me in over a week, he last talked to me on wednesday, but he hasnt called me since tuesday, its wednesday (one week later) right now. i just found out that he said he wouldnt go out with her after she already broke up with matty. what a bitch. it really pisses me off. then last night, i asked to go on the computer when my dad came on but he didnt know the password so i asked the step-to-the-mom if she could tell me it and she said no, she didnt know it and she couldnt find it either. but when her daughter asks she says yes and goes to find the password. its fricken gay how bad i get treated. this week im in doing this thingy like plant maintence and its a good shop except this one kid gave me a 100 even though i didnt do anything in welding and now i owe him something. im like no! i want to like smack him and tell him to leave me alone. but he wont. its retarded how gay this kid is. but w/e i missed my best friend all week... it was unbareable. but i have to leave so i dont get in trouble but ill be back to complain later. alright much love bye now
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| the adventures of saturday.... dum dum dum... |
[21 Nov 2004|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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badger badger badger... |
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ok, i had an interesting saturday. im going to type it all here so i wont forget it (not like i would). but here it goes:
at first i couldnt go to his house (we'll call him m.) and i was uber sad and wicked pissed off because my parentals never let me do shit because they call me unresponsible. but ne hooty, so i finally convinced the insane ones to let me go. now when i seen him i almost jumped on him, hes just so cute and sexy i would have like started humping him right then but i knew my brother would get really mad so i didnt. but then we went back to his house and he went straight into mack mode... hes like i missed you so much... blah blah blah.... but i fell for it. then we were just laying on his really bouncy, comfy bed, watching tv. then we started kissing and then we were making out and it was nice. then he lost control of his hands and then went right up my shirt... and then he kept going up, disregarding my bra. but id didnt mind, im a bit of a slut im told. then we were just talking and i being stupid kept thinking how bad i want to fuck him. then he kinda figured out what i was thinking about. his mom had to take a shower... things got interesting. he went to go find a rubber so we could do it, but he didnt have any. bummer i know. so his mom took a half an hour long shower and he took complete control over that time. his hands got more out of control. he unbuckled my belt, unbutton my pants and then unzipped them. now if you cant guess what happend next, ill tell you anyway. he finger banged me... i love that saying. and it was the best thing i have felt sexually ever. it was un-fucking-believable... even he said he got really into it. he left me shaking for like the rest of the night. like im shaking from just thinking about it. then we just kept making out and we were talking too. and the whole night was really good. then he called me up last night and i asked him if he had fun, hes like. "HELL YEAH!!!" i just laughed. there was some more that happend and he kept trying to get me to practice sex positions with him. his dick was so hard... it was pretty big tho... i liked it. but im going to get in trouble if someone reads this from this crazy hell-hole, i mean the house... right... ok bye now much love... i love m.m.
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